


Love In Me

by elyxoria (orphan_account)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Exes Sekai, Kaihun - Freeform, M/M, Oneshot, not angst, sekai - Freeform, self love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:55:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28378833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/elyxoria
Summary: idk, but i had this idea when I listened to little mix's happiness. listen to it, it's so good.advanced happy new year, by the way. I wish you a great year
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Kudos: 10





	Love In Me

It was a week before his birthday when the door slammed shut and firm with much pull; the person he had learned to love walked away, and a breath was pulled every time he took a step. The frame situated near the door that now holds nothing but a memory in a picture’s four corners; a colorful picture turned into black and white, and the once much-adored smiles on it were now holding a piece of their history. A history they had shared for some time, started from an introduction, soon was filled with stolen kisses, hand holdings, love makings, and soft cuddles.

The frame on the wall swung, swung, and swung until it fell, shattering the glass on the floor. The noise was not enough to startle Sehun, for the both of them, had been a clear glass; too naive to think of being shattered before letting themselves hang on an uncertainty.

His mind was clogged, his tears were warm, his heart was desolate, and he knew nothing how to solace his erupting emotions.

The image he had in his mind, together with Kai, was a lively future full of love he longed to get. He had been blind from the sweetness, the caresses, and his heart that fluttered from the kisses he got. He was too focused on the light of love that he had forgotten about its shadows.

Sehun had expected this not, and how could he, when Kai promised him various unreachable dreams, said he would try to reach them for him, but he did not. Instead, Sehun had gained temporary joy before a permanent scar, and it was not in the list of Kai’s swears.

Sehun’s viridity dominated his happiness; it was exhausting for him to go through nothing but the same old rough path his mother warned about. “It’s risky to fall in love,” she had said one day from the past. In his youth, Sehun had heard his mother talk about how foolish one could be when in the grasp of feelings and the wound that comes along with it; the scar could sometimes fully heal, but sometimes, it carries a permanent bleakness which would remind him when he had listened to his heart instead of his mind.

Currently, in his gloomy living room, he was frozen on the couch with tears sliding on his cheek. It was not a sob; it's far from that. Deep breaths and pounding heart could not bring him an ounce of energy to sob, weep and blame himself, or think. He, instead, stared at the broken frame on the floor with a blank expression. To distinguish where Sehun's emotion stood was laborious, for even he could not do it.

Once again, he was pushed into this state just as when he thought Kai would be the one to drag him away from the recurring nightmare. A hope he once held with his heart; turned out to be another mistake. Sehun had been through this more than he could count; he had finally lost the flicker of hope.

A saying that comes around, that one could not find true love if there's a fear of getting hurt. Sehun was determined to think of all of his heartbreak as a part of the progressive nature of love, and he would be more than ready to try again, but that was back then. Kai had his last grip on his chances, and he left. Now, Sehun was too exhausted to even think of anything, both emotionally and mentally. It was as if every heartbreak he’s had gathered within one person; showered onto him, filled him, and he slowly releases them through dry tears.

He’s exhausted.

He breathed the heaviness before roughly wiping his tears; it was warm on his skin as if it was telling him to stop holding back. And that's what he did; with heavy feet, to his room, he went and wept.

No matter how many times it had happened, it always felt brand new. But this time, Sehun does not want to lose.

His next morning was as lifeless as him. The dimness of his room reminded him of his gloom, the waves of his much-crumpled sheets, and the tightness of his breathing. It all, once again, had been introduced to him like an old friend he met long ago.

Upon walking by a mirror, he had seen it. The state he was in, which he now considered as one of his personalities. That foolish one locked up in a bad routine.

He could only shut his eyes tight.

***

His birthday came in like a flash along with his lightening burden and weighing love for himself. Sehun, with uncertainty where to start, heaved a sigh before walking out of his house. It would be another birthday of his to be spent alone, to convince himself that he needed nobody to fill his day with delight.

In his morning walk, he let the cold embrace of the morning fully wrap him. His palms turned gelid, and skin pinked at some. It had been a long time since he started his day right, a day wandering on the road when people had just started waking up, the sun has barely stood, and cars are less on the road.

Sehun refused to let his birthday candles be blown by the coldness, and decided to go out to treat himself; one of the things he could do to apologize to himself for having been in the same unfulfilling process, endless suffering that he would try to cut off.

In some random restaurant there, he ate alone. All the time occupied by his meal was spent with a genuine smile, and after enjoying and paying for it, he left a heartily smile along; he wanted to blend with other people’s joy, although fake for now, he would get to work on it. A process could be slow or rapid, but it moves, nonetheless.

Sehun didn't know where his feet were dragging him after, but he then suddenly found himself in front of a sweet shop full of various candies, cakes, and everything worth of toothache. His childhood flashed in his eyes when he entered, and it equivalented with regret of how he easily let that kid full of love for himself grow into someone who thirsts love from another person.

In an attempt to feel lighter, Sehun bought his childhood favorite candy, walked out of the shop, and pushed it into his mouth. Tasting it was like tasting his youth, sweet and nostalgic, and enough to make him close his eyes, shut the world, and find that kid in him. The candy was sweet; in his tongue, it swirled colors. A reminisce in a minute of how he would sneak out of homework just to run and buy at the shop; so naïve and free of hurtful ideas. He would just run with enthusiasm until he’s at the front, all eager to taste what he yearns for.

Sehun chuckled at the thought.

He had strolled around the city with his exhausted feet for about an hour or two before deciding that it was enough. It was still morning when he came back to his house, two hours until afternoon.

Sehun, with his pocket full of sweets, flopped down on his couch and landed comfortably. It was after the candy melted in his tongue when he decided to stand up, look around, and grimace.

His living room was adorned and still sprawled most of what now belonged to his past; Kai. The frame that once shattered was still on the floor; its pieces never moved an inch as everything in the room never did. The wind would sometimes pass by and breathe inside, but nothing changed since the last time Kai stepped in his house except Sehun and his will to restart.

With a slowly convinced and fresh desire, he grabbed a box and placed everything that holds his bittersweet and temporary happiness inside, throwing them without a care. Although he would stare at the pictures before putting them away, he felt nothing, he was numb. Sehun was not certain of how and what to feel anymore; confusion flooded him. To restart or to continue the same path, it was up to him.

It made him want to laugh. Just eight months ago, Kai asked him if he desired to go out. Sehun was imprudent enough to think he'd be the last one; the one he'd introduce to his parents without a bug of uncertainty, the one he would plan having a family with, one who would hold his hand without an ounce of being ashamed, and that person who would love him like a poem loves its muse. But life was ironic enough to make fun of him for myriad times.

The entire house was polished after lunch; it wasn't burdening to do so for its size was only for a person or two. The box was securely taped away in the living room, and he had set a mental reminder to throw them away soon. He swiped everything off, including the mixed clothes in his closet.

When the remaining one hour of his birthday dragged by, the sky was dark and chilly, but the city was, as usual, lively and screamed lights everywhere. Sehun decided to head wherever time will take him, and so he did ride a bus off to a place he didn't bother asking. A seat unoccupied at the back, that's where he sat. He had no one beside him, and it was preferable. With earphones in his ears, he blocked everyone and everything. He stared at the moving vehicles through the window and smiled at how unorganized some of them were. Just like life, even with guidance from lights or signs, to mess up is inevitable. The cars’ lights were like Christmas lights of the road, yellows and whites; they decorated the streets. Sehun thought that each person in those vehicles had a life to ruin, repeat, or change according to fate. He smiled. He was never alone.

Minutes before his birthday ends, his eyes were still on the road; he was off somewhere he does not know; it’s up to the wheel. That's when he decided to halt on trying and just go along with the flow of the cruel life; be it a calm touch of water or a striking high wave, he would let himself get carried away.

A promise he made for himself before his day ends; was that he would collect seashells for himself and no one else.

_I'm never gonna lose me again._

**Author's Note:**

> idk, but i had this idea when I listened to little mix's happiness. listen to it, it's so good.
> 
> advanced happy new year, by the way. I wish you a great year


End file.
